Value you.

When wading through the depths of PPD, surviving day-to-day life and stresses is the goal. Nitty gritty, down and dirty survival. Clawing the cliff of worries, insecurities, sleep deprivation, adjustments to parenthood. The harsh reality of pulling through a pregnancy-postpartum mood/anxiety disorder:
taking it
a day
an hour
a moment at a time.

Believe it or not – it does get better. Hope returns. Sometimes hope briefly makes an appearance and steals away.  Such is the nature of the winding road to recovery.  When that glimmer shows itself,
even the teeniest bit,
even for a moment,
consider looking to find or rediscover something you enjoy. Something you’re passionate about.

There's an article (link) from a few months ago about this idea. It's more about general depression, which typically differs from PPD, but makes a similar point.

But the true inspiration for this post came from three women, mothers, who, through their theatrical talents, are living this very ideal:

Melissa Muguruza Weaver – SLEEPER, Everybody’s Girl

Kim Garrison Hopcraft – Rubenstein’s Kiss

Amy Anderson – Sideways Stories from Wayside School

I had the honor of meeting each of these women last year, when POEM produced its first Moms Night Out event, The MOMologues: The Original Comedy About Motherhood. They, along with other fabulous women, generously gave of their time and talent to direct and star in the show. (And save the date, The MOMologues is returning this year on May 11.)

Now, stop it right now if you’re comparing. If you’re struggling to get through the basics of day-to-day life and see what these women are doing and thinking you’re inadequate, it is simply not true. No matter where you are today, you are just as beautiful, powerful as anyone else.
Your inherent resilience and strength is in there. 
And each person finds what gives them joy on their own, in their own time.

The MOMologues brings to light the crazy, funny emotional events that happen (to all moms – regardless of PPD) throughout pregnancy and new motherhood. In observing the first rehearsal last year, I learned that each cast member identified with some challenge comically addressed in the show. So, despite of their talent, beauty and brilliance, they, too, didn’t always know the answers. And I’m guessing they still don’t. But each continues the journey and serves as an inspiration to delve into what they love to do as an individual – addressing their own human needs in addition to providing care and love for their children. They’re a true example to their children – and to us - to live our dreams, whatever they are.

Take this moment to give yourself permission to address your own, personal needs. Consider squeezing in time to do something meaningful or fun for you. You are worthy. Doing something for you is more than okay – it’s good for you.

Gutting Judgment

Why must we judge each other so? How about a little MYOB?

I came across this post this morning:
4 Times It’s Perfectly OK to Judge Other Parents

In reading the 4 examples, our gut reaction might be to think “Oh yeah! Ugh. SO irritating, right? Those poor kids with dreadful, self-centered/absent/discipline-lacking mothers.”

But why? Seriously, what’s the point? How does it help us be better mothers ourselves? Because we can look down at another, without knowing the whole story?

It doesn’t seem a far cry from “Nah, nah, nah, I’m better than you!”

Maybe I’m judging the judgers, I don’t know. I’m guessing the author’s purpose is not malicious and is more for entertainment. But, still.

I think it bothers me so because so often I see moms at POEM, struggling with perinatal mood/anxiety disorders, actually believe the judgmental comments they hear.
And they feel not good enough, broken, flawed. And it’s just not true.

No two mothers are the same. No two children are the same. No two families are the same.

So, of course, we may see another’s parenting choice as one we’d not make in our own lives, but that’s fine. That doesn’t make one better than the other. Just different.

Enough with the judgment. Find something else to do, like supporting mothers to find the confidence to recognize that they are the expert in their own lives.

We must care for ourselves and our children in the way that works best for us.
It just DOES NOT MATTER what anyone else thinks.

Happy New Year

On behalf of POEM, I extend our best wishes for a healthy and happy 2012. Here’s to a positive outlook and moving forward.


http://www.idlehearts.com/

Here’s also to a goodbye of 2011. At POEM, 2011 brought many mothers to us to work through the depths and fright of anxiety and depression. Perhaps you may look at your year like this mom:
2011? HA

And maybe some are feeling a little iffy about this calendar year, too. Well, that’s okay. All is not lost. Hope’s still in there.

Amid your review of last year and anticipation of the year ahead, I ask you to look at your expectations. Happy New Year: What’s your expectation of what that means? And is it realistic? Oftentimes, if your expectations are met or surpassed, things are rosy. If they’re different or not met, the outlook changes. Happy doesn’t mean perfect. Happy doesn’t mean there aren’t problems, failures, difficulties and challenges. Happy isn’t defined by someone else’s view.

If you’re looking for bliss or worrying about how others see you, the folks at OSU say that’s not so good for you. Here’s a recent study highlighting the effects on parents of perfectionism and worrying about what everyone else thinks. “Moms showed less confidence in their parenting abilities and dads felt more stress when they were more worried about what other people thought about their parenting skills.” Article LINK

I’m not saying let’s dream for mediocrity. Let’s just factor in the unexpected, complications and challenges as things we all face. Happy happens even in the midst of them. No matter where you are in your journey of motherhood, you’ll find your happy.

Rotarians and Rain

I recently had the honor of attending a luncheon meeting of the Upper Arlington Rotary Club, an excellent local service organization. At the meeting, POEM was presented a grant award in support of our program services related to online and in-person support groups. We are thrilled and excited to provide these programs and help to carry out this year's Rotary Club theme, “Reach Within to Embrace Humanity.”

The morning of the Rotary meeting, I heard on the radio that Columbus is on track to have had the wettest year in recorded weather history. And the DeeJay commented, “Oh yeah, come to Columbus – we’re just like Seattle except without the Tech, Coffee and Awesome Views.” Seattle is a great city – and beautiful. We had the pleasure of attending our annual training conference there this fall and here was our dinner view:

So, right, Columbus may have little in common with Seattle, besides precipitation. But we do have: 

Heart.  I saw and heard it in each Rotarian that afternoon. They’re truly walking the walk in caring for our community. And within POEM, I see and hear it each day. The mothers who are active in supporting other mothers, over the phone, in person and in our online group – they make this community a wonderful place to be.

How to weather the weather? Get connected to the wonderful hearts right here in the heart of Ohio. That’s the real sunshine, here anytime you need it.

The POEM Support Line: 614.315.8989

E-mail for info about the private online group: tonya@poemonline.org

My parents were groovy. And awesome.



Bob and Jan

 Last week at the library, an acquaintance of mine mentioned a blog-turned-book, My Parents Were Awesome, full of essays from adult children about their parents before they were born.

Here’s an excerpt from the book overview: “They bathed you. They fed you. They raised you to become the person you are today. Your parents are an integral part of your story. But guess what? They have a story too—one that started long before you entered the picture. Before embarrassing fanny packs and Lite FM, there was a time when Mom and Dad were young and carefree—just like you. They were also fun and flirty, full of hope and desire and effortlessly cool.”

Personally, I was definitely never effortlessly cool in my whole life. But yes, of course, I did have likes and interests before my kids arrived. But what about now that life is often dominated with tasks and activities related to my children?

I think the snapshots of days gone by can serve as a reminder to hang on to something that is you, alone. Or yours, as a couple, pre-kiddos. Like to read? I heard there’s this cute book. Connect with friends or look to make some new ones. Just something, anything that reminds you that you are still in there and deserve your own time and needs. And if you’re not feeling like yourself due to postpartum depression or a related maternal mood issue and can’t think of a thing you enjoy, just know that you ARE still in there. With help you will feel like you again.

I know that I struggled with that very concept. I thought good moms only considered their children’s needs. In the throes of PPD, I believed it to be fact and could never do enough. Just do more, I would think. Then I’ll feel better. Now I know that’s not true. I have to care for me so I can care for them. Had I felt like I could think straight, I could have looked to my parents’ fine example. Yes, they had a life before me. But they also had a life outside of my care while I was around. They did their own fun stuff while every need of mine was attended to, and then some. They loved me and they loved each other – and still do. And they had their own individual interests – and still do. And now I can show my children that too.

So at the library, I went as plain old Tonya, bypassing educational, nonfiction, productive-type reading and went right for Harry Bosch. Just for fun. For me.

Monday's Meeting Topic

At each support group meeting, we provide ample time for sharing and support. This is the central purpose of the meeting. But, we are always mindful of the group goal: empowering wellness. If time permits, we also have a discussion about a particular topic that is usually applicable to most of the attendees.

Our meeting topic for Monday's meeting will be Building your Support System, adapted from the book Postpartum Depression Demystified by Joyce Venis. We will have an activity that helps us look at what comprises our current support system and where there may be holes or room for improvement. If needed, how can we find and receive additional support? We will discuss!

Additionally, we will have information regarding coping with anxiety and panic attacks.

We hope to see you Monday, February 23 at 7:00pm.

Meetings are held at Northwest Counseling
1560 Fishinger Rd
Columbus, OH 43221

CLICK HERE FOR MAP/DIRECTIONS

Please call the Support Line, 614-315-8989, if you have any questions.
It’s okay to reach out for help.
That’s why we’re here.

www.poemonline.org

Our next support group meeting is scheduled for tomorrow, January 26 at 7:00 pm. The topic, time permitting, is "Taking Care of You." We will examine general self-care tips and discuss how attendees can individualize particular ideas themselves. Please contact us through the website or call (614) 315-8989 if you have any questions about our support groups.

It’s okay to reach out for help.
That’s why we’re here.

www.poemonline.org